polomonkey | (no subject)

(no subject)

I don't know how to be in fandom without Aggy.

She was the one who brought me into Chatzy and coaxed me into getting involved and sent me messages of support. Without her I wouldn't have done the ACBB, or any other fest. I wouldn't have met any of my fandom friends. I wouldn't have had people to talk to when I was low or give me advice when I needed it. And I probably wouldn't have moved on from Merlin by now, without all these links to sustain me.

I can't repay her for what she did for me. I also can't wrap my head around the fact that she's gone. I can't go back in Chatzy because people are talking about other things (and that's their right and some of them didn't even know her and they're doing nothing wrong) but I don't want to talk about other things. I don't everything to move on without her like she was never here.

And I don't understand why she died and I'm guilty I didn't spend more time with her. It was her birthday recently and I was planning a fic for her. But other things were going on and I kept thinking I'll get around to this soon, there's plenty of time. And now there isn't.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

OMG WHAT???
I don't know about this. Oh no!!! My heart. I'm so sorry, lovely.

That is so sad, I had no idea. I hope you are ok, that must be such a shock.
I did not know her very well but I read her wonderful stories and briefly corresponded through PMs / comments page.
She was great for the fandom, wrote some lovely fics and highlighted issues that may have otherwise been overlooked.
So sorry to hear that news, what a great loss, I'm sure she will be missed.

Edited 2017-05-07 22:00 (UTC)

Oh darling, I'm so sorry for your pain.

I did not know Aggy as well as some of you, but I knew her well enough that this week has been hard. She was a lovely person, I know I could never have done ACBB last year without her support and I hate to think of a world without her in it. If we don't talk about her, it is only because we don't know what to say, and because it hurts, but if you want to talk, you should, and I'm sure the rest of us who knew her would join in. I believe it does us good to talk about people who have gone, and make sure we remember all the best things about them.

And don't feel guilty, you cannot change the past, and you cannot predict the future. She knew you were her friend, and that is what's important.

*hugs you*

Take care if yourself, my lovely

I'm so sorry you've lost your friend.

Oh, shit I just looked at your tag. I didn't know her personally but, wow, what a gut punch.

Edited 2017-05-07 22:33 (UTC)

Oh my sweet. I didn't know that you knew her except from that one comment, and it was enough that I had been worried, and then when you mentioned the fic... I felt so very much for you.

Some chatzy people did talk about it. Several were heartbroken. But yes, chatzy will continue going on with other topics, both because not everyone knew her or they don't know what to say, or just because life goes on, heedless of the grief of others. I understand why you would want to avoid that, though I hope you know that we love you and would do our best to support you. (Even if we don't know how... I don't know how and don't want to make things worse and I know it doesn't really help, but hugs and hugs and hugs for you)

I could imagine feeling awful not finishing the story, not talking... I'm sure she knew that you loved her, even with those things. I'm not sure what your views on a potential afterlife are, but even without, it might help to finish them? Write the story, compose the letters/emails? I don't know anything really, though.

I've had this strange feeling that you would be so sad that you would go away from us and never come back. Just know we love you and will always be here for you if you need us. It's not the same, I know, but it's still a reality. (I would send you sweet messages everyday, but I think you'd probably be sick of them so my anxiety says not to. But I happily would if it would help and not be an irritation.)

It almost seems disrespectful to Aggy to say, "please feel better soon". Be as sad as you need to be. But I hope there will be peace for you in the not too distant future. 💗

Hugs💗💗💗

I am very sorry for your loss.

I admit I know nothing about how to grieve properly or how to help others through their own.

I can't articulate my feels always, I can't respond how maybe people think I should, but I can listen.

Message me on anytime hangouts/any other place you want. Even ring me up on there, and I'll listen for as long as you need. If you want to exchange stories of Aggy, anything at all. I don't want you to feel like you're alone, we're with you.

Some people don't yet know, and that definitely creates a disparity, for them they don't realise anything is different, for everyone else the world has been knocked off its spin, and I can never be restored.

I remember when I first met Aggy. On gsd_fandom. She was the first fellow asexual person I ever met. For me that was a stepping stone up into accepting that was who I was, because she just made it sound like such a normal thing. She had such an influence on so many people we can't forget her.

Oh, Polo, I am so sorry you lost someone who meant so much.

I didn't get to know her. My heart aches for that, and even more for everyone whose hearts are broken. I know Chatzy hasn’t been able to truly talk about it, because I think no one knows how. I’m sorry you’ve felt lonely and unable to talk about her.

If you need space, take all the time you need. If you do choose to come back to Chatzy again, or to contact anyone you want, know that you can *always* talk about her. Whether tomorrow or weeks or years from now, it doesn't matter when. You can talk as much as you need, even if it never seems enough. I know words don't feel enough, but… it’s something. You can talk--for yourself, for everyone who’s known her, for Aggy. Those who knew her will join in, and those who don’t, we will listen. We might not feel the grief as much as you, but we do hope we can share it a little, and also remember all the good, happy things.

It’s important to remember the good things (though sometimes those hurt the most). Those are the things to hold onto.

Life is complicated enough, I don't think anyone can understand death and how the world can just... keep spinning. It’s unfair. We all think we have more time, and the problem of life is always that we never have enough. We can’t change that. But I hope… don’t only think about the time lost, cherish the time you shared. which I know you do and will.

I know all of this must be easy for me to say because I didn’t know her, and I won’t, and that there’s all the unfairness and hurt. It might even sound inappropriate or cruel. But if this might help even a little, I’ll try--

I am happy for you that you knew Aggy, the wonderful and lovely Aggy, and her death doesn't take away her importance in your life. It doesn’t take away the fact that she was there, a beloved friend and amazing person. Death cannot change that, don’t let it. It cannot diminish the happiness she’s brought you and the world; nor can it change the happiness you brought her, do not forget that either. Moving on shouldn’t mean forgetting, or letting memories and love of her fade. It should mean remembering her, keeping her in your heart, which I know you will. She can’t be forgotten, and she won’t be forgotten.

*hugs* take care. Know that I, as well as everyone else, am here for you if you ever need to talk or cry or just--yeah. <3

I'm so, so sorry, polo. My heart aches for you and everyone who knew her, and for the fandom more largely who loved her works and her presence on all the fests and comms. She was a major figure in the fandom, and her loss will be felt for a long time. She collab'd with Texas and I know a lot of us are still reeling from her loss as well. (Texas introduced me to Chatzy, in an odd coincidence, but I've never gone in there much, despite everyone always being amazingly nice and supportive there.)

Nothing is really adequate to say, but I'm here for you in any way you need. Sending you great big hugs and all my thoughts and wishes. Love, daroh

Because I was busy during the week and didn't get a chance to get in chatzy, I didn't know about her passing until today. I didn't know her well but can so very clearly see her ID in chat. I'm so sorry about you losing such a wonderful friend.

I just heard about it and I don't think I have even processed it yet. I didn't even know her except for her fics, and if her loss feels like a blow to me I can only imagine how it must feel to you. You are not alone, sweetheart. I know I can only say mere words that don't mean much, but we are here for you and for everyone who knew her. She won't be forgotten as long as her works exist.

I didn't know Argentsleeper was gone and I am so sorry to hear it. I don't have any words of wisdom. Just wanted to let you know I heard you.

I'm so sorry, hon. You're all in my thoughts. ♥

She was a true fighter. We moaned about our petty problems, but she never complained even though she had plenty to be getting on with. She was and is a beautiful and generous soul. So good at angst. As are you. You've lost your mentor, haven't you? *hugs you tightly* I am so overwhelmed by my own RL problems that I haven't been in chatzy or fandom much at all lately. I am getting numb tbh. So much shit all over, coming from all sides.
Please don't leave us. We can talk about her. *hugs you*

♡

Oh, Polo. I'm so sorry. I only heard yesterday myself. I don't know what to say other than please never worry about talking about Aggie in Chatzy or anywhere else. She was an amazing person, she created so many wonderful things throughout such painful and difficult times in her life. *HUGS*

I only spent a short time with Aggy when she initially beta'd my ACBB last year. I wrote about grief and she'd experienced many of the things I was trying to write about. What irony that now it should come full circle in such a way.

I remember asking her (very naively and insensitively) how Merlin would get over Will's death so he could move on with his life, and this is what she said:

That’s a great question. Ask another? No but seriously, there really isn’t such a thing as closure. The entire concept is based on the idea that there is somehow an end to grief. There isn’t. What there is is acceptance. You can accept that the person is dead, and that you cannot change that. You accept that you are still alive. You accept that you can be happy again and that being happy is okay. The whole “He’d want me to be happy” thing sounds like a cliché, and it is, but it’s also important. How can you claim to love someone if you would continue to disrespect their wishes by never allowing yourself to smile again? It’s not easy. [...] Everyone heals at their own rate, but it’s never easy, not for anyone.

I don't know if this is something you're ready to hear yet, but I wanted to share it with you because Aggy knew what she was talking about and I hope that if you're not ready to believe anyone else, maybe you can someday believe her.

I'm so sorry Polo. *hugs* I've been thinking about you since I heard she was the one who introduced you to chatzy.

I second wasp: I don't think it's because people don't want to talk about her and if you want to talk about her you should.
I know that she has been the topic in chat off and on, so even though it may seem that way, people have definitely not moved on completely.
I also remember times I came into chatzy and said "Can we talk about Tex?" and everyone was really lovely about that so I know we would all do the same for you and Aggy <3

I wish I could help, but just know that if you need me I'm here for you.

Polo I've been thinking about you often since I got the news. I'm terrible at grieving publicly, and I feel there's nothing I can say right now that hasn't been said better above, but I'd like to offer massive *HUGS* and add my name to those offering an ear if and when you ever want to talk about what you're feeling or celebrate Aggy's life and contributions to fandom. <3

Everyone has offered such wonderful, supportive and meaningful comments in here that I'm not certain what I should add. My initial thought was that I didn't want you to go (temporarily or otherwise) but I have thought about your situation all day and I think you should definitely allow yourself to grieve. It's good to grieve, that's what makes us human, friends, and loved ones to each other. Like some people have said, we're not ignoring the situation in Chatzy, but I think not everyone knew her, or perhaps don't feel equipped to say something meaningful if they weren't very aware of her situation in life.

I just want to wish you strength this coming time, that you may remember her in the best possible ways, and think about how wonderful it is that she managed to find this fandom and was able to express herself so very well. This may not yet feel like a good thought today, but I hope at some point it will. Massive hugs, and good luck. Take all the time you need.

I'm so, so sorry for your loss.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only